Does the Modesty Culture Cause Shame in Women?

A series of events this week — which included a friend sharing her concern about imposing modestly guidelines in our home — led to a deep dive into a very important question, “Does the modesty culture cause shame in women?”.

Honestly, I’ve had a very positive experience with modesty culture, but I know that is not the case for everybody, and I took her concern very seriously.

One of the most difficult things about being a parent is that you can never really go on “autopilot” — the moment you start getting overly confident about parenting, is usually the moment you find yourself hitting a wall.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you need to be intentional with your parenting choices, and this seemed like the perfect time to evaluate our approach to modesty in our home.

John and I had a great conversation about it, but long after our conversation had ended, I found myself in a bit of a wrestling match trying to make sense of it all.

In Genesis, we read about Jacob wrestling with God all night and refusing to let go until He blessed him — it inspired me to do the same.

I was determined not to give up this wrestling match until God would give me the answers I needed.

Here’s what I came up with…

Modesty, in it’s purest form, is living your life with a deep and abiding awareness of the way that Jesus sees you.

It is dressing, speaking and thinking in a way that expresses the deep belief in your God-given dignity and worth.

In its purest sense, modesty should be about freedom: a freedom to live your life, unaffected by how the world or others see you, with your eyes fixed on Christ.

It is in keeping our gaze on Christ, that we can begin to understand the amazing man or woman that God created us to be.

It is in this gaze, that we begin to understand the depth of love that He has for us and that He made us beautiful and worthy of love and respect.

Which brings us bank to the important question“does the modesty culture cause shame in our children?“.

Sadly, if it is not rooted in the truth of who we are, then I think it can cause serious problems.

The truth is, Puritanism can creep in to the modesty culture, and the Puritanical approach to modesty falls way short of God’s vision for us. It reduces modesty to a series of mindless rules that put the burden of purity on women alone.

This is not what the virtue of modesty is about, at all.

So I guess the proper answer is, “it depends” — it depends on the way that you approach purity and modesty, and how you are presenting it to your children.

If you’re imposing something on your kids without giving them the full picture of “why” then in essence you are denying them a beautiful picture of who they were lovingly created to be.

John Paul II spoke about the theology of the body and how all of us need to overcome our own “baggage” (my words, not his) and misconceptions about the way we see the body.

All of us are broken. All of us carry within our hearts and minds the effects of the Fall of Man.

The Church is there to help us have a clear vision of what God intended from the beginning. It is there to give us the full picture of the beauty and meaning of human sexuality.

Modesty should be rooted in recognition of the dignity and worth of the human person, of the sacredness of the body, and of the goodness of God’s creation.

An understanding like this won’t lead to shame. In fact, it is a very effective antidote for shame.

We owe it to our kids to share a proper understanding of modesty and the dignity of the human person.

We owe it to them to come up with reasonable guidelines that aren’t rooted in Puritansim — but rather are rooted in a true theology of the body.

If fear of saying the wrong thing makes us silent, then we’ve basically decided to send our kids off into the world with literally no guidance — and how do you think that will turn out?

Not very well.

In order for the modesty culture in our homes and our churches to be rightly rooted in Christ, it should include 7 truths:

1. God made us beautiful.
2. God made us precious.
3. God made us worthy of being cherished and respected by others — not to be used or consumed like objects.
4. God loves us and wants only the best for us.
5. How you look is not the most important thing about you.
6. Modesty is not just a “female” virtue.
7. Women are not responsible for the purity of men, but they should be respectful of the struggle that some men have with maintaining a pure heart and mind.

I know that message can get confused sometimes, but that is what I think a proper approach to modesty has to include.

Can we just talk about shame for a second? It’s like a four letter word in many people’s minds, but shame isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Sometimes we feel shame because we have done something wrong. It’s basically a symptom so that we can be aware of our sin and go to confession and move on with our lives.

Confession should get rid of shame. If you’ve confessed your sin and still feel shame then you need to spend some time with Jesus so he can remind you who you really are.

Besides, I have met far too many women, never raised with the concept of modesty, who feel intense shame about their bodies.

Feeling shame is a result of our fallen world.

Blaming modesty really doesn’t get to the root of the problem and therefore can’t lead to a “cure” for it.

In fact, one of the real benefits of a proper understanding of modesty is that it leads to a better sense of self-worth and a more positive body image — which is a huge struggle for all women, Christian or not.

This week, John reminded me that it isn’t just a female struggle, either. To illustrate his point, he shared the story of a good friend he met while doing mission work in Germany before we were married.

As John says, this guy was good at everything: super athletic, proficient in 5 languages, incredibly smart, fun to be around, a great musician and a handsome guy, to boot.

John noticed he would pray in the chapel, adoring Christ, hours a day. Finally, John asked what he did in that chapel for so many hours a day.

His answer was unexpected.

He told John, that he had grown up as an immigrant, and people were always telling him that he was ugly, he was dumb, he was worthless and he had no value.

He grew up thinking that all those lies were true.

But when he spent time in the chapel, he heard something very different. He said, “I look at Jesus and He tells me ‘You are precious, you are beautiful and you are greatly loved, over and over again’.”

How beautiful is that?

Honestly, I think Jesus wants to say those words to all of us! He wants to remove our shame and guilt and set us free.

If you don’t believe that you are beautiful and precious and greatly loved by God, then maybe it’s time to sit in His loving gaze.

Soak in it — until you can hear Him saying those very same words to you, as many times as you need to hear it.

Sharing over at Kelly’s.