The Art of Influencing Your Kids

After watching some parents who seem particularly good at it, it seems to me that there is most definitely an art to parenting well.

I am not one of those “artful” parents — but I have learned a lot from observing them and asking lots of questions.

I still don’t have all the answers, but what I do have is wisdom that has been shared with me along the way, and I am going to share that wisdom with you today.

You’re welcome. 🙂

Right up front, we should address the objection, “Why did God give us free will in the first place, knowing the royal mess we can make out of things.”

The answer, my friends, is love.

You simply can not love without free will, and though that freedom can get us into a lot of trouble, we have to acknowledge that the ability to love is worth the risk.

Knowing that our kids’ happiness will depend much upon their choices in life, every parent will inevitably find themselves wondering how the heck they can help those little buggers make good choices with their lives.

One thing that I have discovered in life is that the “rules” of our  faith are kind of like the instruction manual to living life well.

Follow that manual, and you will discover a joy and peace that the world can’t take from you — but how do we convince our kids of that?

This is not an easy task, people, but the good news is that it is not entirely up to us to bring our kids to this truth — and it is not entirely up to them, either.

God is there, loving and leading them, too.  And He will send other people to help them discover this truth as well.

It can be humbling — and maybe even frightening — to realize that God gave us these precious souls and He wants to act and influence them through us — honestly, the mind reels.

But if you are willing to let God work in you, then be assured that He will act and He will inspire you with the words and the actions that will help your kids make it to Heaven.

True, we can’t make our kids embrace the good, the true and the beautiful in this world, but we have the duty to make the introduction, continue to provide opportunities to encounter God and his goodness, and to always point them back to the path when they have strayed.

Ultimately, their choices are what are going to make them into the man or woman they will become.  Their choices, not ours.

They have to take responsibility for their own lives and to realize the privilege and responsibility that is part of exercising their free will.

Having said that, this doesn’t mean that we should take a hands off approach to raising our kids.  

We have a God-given duty to guide our kids and form our kids so they will be ready to go out and live beautiful lives.

God has given us a special grace to love and guide our kids through the many challenges they will face — which is why you are so very important in your kids’ lives!

But here is the catch:  you need to be connected to God and listening to God, or you won’t have the words, the actions, or the strength you will need in those moments to say or do the things that you need to say or do in those hard moments.

Being an “influencer” is all the rage in social media platforms nowadays.  What if we looked at our role of parent as being an “influencer” in our own kids’ lives?

Practically speaking, what are the common characteristics that those “artful” parents seem to have down when it comes to influencing their kids in positive ways?

From my simple observation, I will offer 5 common approaches the “artful” parents seem to have in common.

Step one in being an influencer in your kids lives is simple:  Spend time with your kids.  

Like it or not, if you aren’t spending much time with your kids, then you frankly will not be a very big influence in their lives.

As they grow older, independence is good and necessary, but still your presence is so important to them — maybe even more important than when they were little.

Your teens still really need you and your influence as they begin to make choices that will determine the course of their lives.

So be present and be available.

Step two in being an influencer: Look to people around you who are a little further ahead than you are and seek out their counsel.  

Ask advice from people who have lived a little more life and have gained some wisdom along the way.  

Also, seek out the advice of a good priest — believe it or not, every priest came from a family.  Imagine that!

Their perspective on family life can be far more valuable than somebody who is so caught in the mix of life that they haven’t taken the time to reflect upon it.

So find a good priest and ask him for his guidance.  

Step three in being an influencer: We have to accept that we can’t control our kids — but we can and should work to influence them in positive ways.

The truth is, we can not control our kids.  Even at a very early age, they will begin to exercise their freedom.

As they grow older, we will have less and less control of their lives, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have a powerful influence on them.

Don’t understate the power you have as a parent to influence your kids, and that is irregardless of the choices you made in life.

Please dont’ make the mistake of thinking that just because you made bad choices as a kid that you can’t encourage your kids to make the opposite choices.

When I used to travel around the country giving chastity talks, it was inevitable that a parent would come up with shame on their faces and tell me that they didn’t think they had a place to tell their kids to practice chastity, when they didn’t as a teenager.

Let me tell you right now that some of the most powerful speakers we ever had were people who had made some very bad choices with their lives.  

So leave that shame behind, go to confession if you have to, and then humbly share what you are comfortable with sharing — you don’t need to tell your kids everything to make your point.

Kids “get” it.  They understand making mistakes and regretting it.  They will appreciate your humble offering of a different way.

Don’t underestimate the power that your story has in your kids’ lives.  Prayerfully ask God what you should share and when you should share it. 

Telling a 5 year old about your drug addiction likely not the right time, but at 17, maybe it will be the perfect time.

So share the wisdom you have gained through all of your block-headed decisions and spare your kids all the same mistakes that you made.

Step Four in being an influencer in your kids lives: Learn to dream big.

True, there may be times you might have to make some sacrifices or say no to some great “opportunities” because you know it will take too much time and attention away from your family.

Just know that at the end of your life, you won’t give a flip about all your worldly accomplishments, if you lost your kids in the process.

Be prepared to embrace new dreams — one’s that include God’s plans for you and your family in them — or you just might begin to look at your kids as burdens, instead of the gift that they are.

If your hopes and dreams don’t include your family, then you are dreaming way too small.

So dream big and include your family in those big dreams and get ready for the unexpected adventures that come from those dreams.

Step Five in being an influencer:  Don’t ever give up on your kids.

If they’re making awful choices right now — well, don’t you ever give up on them.  God hasn’t and you shouldn’t either.

Keep talking to them. 

Keep loving them.  

Keep fighting for them.

Keep praying and fasting for them.

Dialogue. 

Discuss. 

Heck, scream if you have to, but don’t you ever give up on your kids — no matter they path they choose to take in life.

Never, ever lose hope in God’s redeeming love for them.

Good luck and Godspeed.

Sharing over at Kelly’s