The Crisis of Fatherhood & Healing the Wounds

Can we talk about fatherhood for a minute?

When I think of the word “father”, I think of the unsung heroes in our midst.👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 The men who do the good, even when it’s inconvenient or at great personal sacrifice.

I think of men who discipline out of love, but are also quick to recognize the good in others and to offer encouragement.

When I think of “father”, I think of men who use their strength to love and protect — never to harm. I think of men determined to be more than just “one of the boys” — and strive to be men of God, first and foremost.

I think of men who strive to honor and raise women up in a world that often tries to objectify and use them.

When I think of “father”, I think of the many amazing men I have been privileged to know throughout my life — beginning with my own father (shoutout Dad), brothers, brother-in-laws, amazing priests who have helped me along the way, and (perhaps, stating the obvious here) John. (Shoutout John😘).

Maybe you are a reading this and are saddened by the fact that you don’t know any fathers, like the fathers of which I speak?

If so, first of all, let me say that I am so sorry that you didn’t have that experience of a good father in your own life! You deserved so much more than that!

When I look around at the world, though, it seems there is a segment of society trying to convince the rest of us that fatherhood is unnecessary and irrelevant.

Which I think is a huge mistake.

In their defense, I have no doubt some of these people may absolutely have the best intentions: not wanting to hurt the feeling of those among us who find themselves without a father — for whatever reason it may be.

It’s understandable, but the problem is that we all need fathers in our lives.

At the very least it takes a father and a mother to conceive a child. (Biology 101) We all have to admit, though, that beyond just providing 23 chromosomes, God’s original plan included every child being raised by a mother and a father.

Then sin and death and disordered passions entered into the world and marriage and family suffered for it — sometimes greatly suffered for it!

Often, it’s the children that seem to suffer the most from it, and it is for their sake and the sake of all people really (we were all children once) that we need to be honest with ourselves, we all need a Dad.

We aren’t doing anybody any favors to pretend like we don’t feel the loss of a mother or father in our lives.

In fact, we are denying those who have lost a mother or father in their own lives the right to mourn their loss if we don’t acknowledge that loss — they are great losses, indeed.

It would be like if a man or women entered an emergency room — distraught after having lost their leg — and the doctor turns to them and says, “Why are you so upset, you don’t really need a leg to function anyways?”.

Yes, it is true, that man or woman will learn to function without their leg — but to deny them the ability to mourn the loss of their leg — to never acknowledge that it was, in fact, a loss would be to stunt the growth and healing of that man or woman before you.

It wouldn’t be right.

Which is why we must begin to acknowledge that many of us are walking around with a wound in our hearts — a wound that was caused by the loss or neglect of a mother or father.

More often than not, though, the loss is that of a father. Most kids will end up living with their mother if there is separation, divorce or estrangement of a couple.

Let’s just acknowledge right now that many brave and heroic moms are doing amazing things to help their kids mourn the loss of their fathers and move on to live amazing lives. Shoutout to those amazing moms!

I am guessing most of them would admit that they feel the loss of a father in their kids lives — that they don’t want that for their own kids.

Today’s post is about the importance of a father, because the “father wounds” caused by a disinterested or uninvolved Dad are growing to epidemic levels — and it’s time we acknowledge that.

In order to be healed of the wounds of the loss of an earthly father — or far worse, a living father who is cruel or disinterested — we must be able to acknowledge that there is a real loss that has happened in the lives of those kids.

Let’s look at some sobering statistics for a second:

A sobering look at the state of our country and the negative outcome that many kids experience when their dads aren’t in the picture.

It’s important we acknowledge that truth, but it’s also important to recognize that those stats aren’t necessarily the end of the story.

We have this amazing thing called grace that can break into our broken stories and broken hearts and change the outcome.

Perhaps you are reading this and you are one of those heroic women trying to raise your own kids without a father in your home and you are afraid you will never be able to provide all the things your kids will need.

Let me just say, this is a real loss and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

The truth is, no matter how amazing our earthly dads are or how healthy our marriages are, we all still have wounds and have believed lies that can only be healed by our Father in Heaven.

We all need Gods grace in our lives, and we all need his help in raising our kids. None of us can do it on our own — at least, none of us can do it very well on our own.

No matter our struggles, we have a Father in Heaven whom we can look to for our healing and the healing of our kids.

This is especially very good news for the “fatherless” and those trying to pick up the pieces after the father of their children has left the picture.

We must never forget that we are never “fatherless”.

Even if our earthly fathers have failed us, we are loved by the One Father who possesses the very best traits of Fatherhood, all at once.

This perfect Father loves us more deeply than we could ever imagine and He is waiting to heal us of all our wounds.

If earthly fathers have failed you, remember you are adored by very best Father you could ever have. If you are a mother trying to pick up the pieces after the father of your children has left, know that there is healing for your children and for you.

But we must acknowledge the loss, address the wound, before we can be healed. So it’s time to be honest with ourselves and the people around us.

To lose a father or to be hurt deeply by a father is a very big deal, and the pathway to healing begins with acknowledging that pain and opening ourselves up to the healing power of our Father in Heaven.

Healing is there for all us, and there are many resources to begin the healing process.

Focus on the Family has a good overview of the father wound, and there is an excellent Catholic healing ministry for the whole person (Thank you, Fr. Chas for that resource!) designed to address the wounds in our life and a pathway to healing.

Having said all of that, I think we need to begin to acknowledge the good fathers in our midst as well.

I think we need to remember to say “thank you for being pretty darn amazing” in a world that often downplays the importance of a good dad.

I guess what I’m saying is that, ladies and gentlemen, consider this a shout out to all the unsung heroes in our midst — all the fathers striving to reflect the love of our Father in Heaven.

We see you and we need you to keep striving.

Yeah, you’re going to mess up every once in a while, but never give up. Higher, always higher!

And to those who have wounds they feel deeply in their hearts, it’s time to begin the healing.

Let God show you the pathway to that healing. It’s time.

Have a blessed weekend!

Sharing over at Kelly’s